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Why Does It Hurt To Get Over My Ex Boyfriend-How To Win Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Why Does It Hurt To Get Over My Ex Boyfriend-How To Win Your Ex Boyfriend Back

If you want the best tips on how to win your ex boyfriend back, you came to the right place. It’s very hard to win someone back and get them to like you again. Sometimes, it feels impossible. However, in this article, I am going to go over what you must do to get your ex-boyfriend to fall for you again and want a relationship even if it seems impossible.

Why Is It Hard To Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend? Why Is It Hard To Get Over A Break Up?

how to get your ex back

It is very hard to get over a break up for many reasons. In my opinion, it comes down to three things:

  1. Insecurities
  2. Evolution
  3. Acceptance

Insecurities and How They Relate To Getting Your Ex To Like You Again

When I was going through a horrible breakup, I searched online “how to get over my ex” and found a study where (I am sorry I can’t site the study. It’s been years since I read it) they found that people who have a hard time getting over someone, were very insecure. It explained that these people don’t realize that their version of happiness was found in someone else and that this other person was being used to fill a void in their life due to the insecurity.

NOTE: It’s important to remember how you’re coming off to your ex if the case I said above is true. That is a huge burden for him to handle and even though you think you broke up for a completely different reason, this does weigh heavily in favor of not getting back with you if it’s true. Men like convenience. If you’re super upset and begging to get back with him after the break up, you won’t win him back. You’re already at a huge disadvantage. Don’t put any more obstacles or reasons why he shouldn’t come back in the way.

People like me back then didn’t have a healthy balance in life where I treated friends, family, work, career, health, and goals equally. I believed that I was complete if my girlfriend liked me. That was my version of happiness. Now that I look back at it, I don’t blame her for not coming back. You may not think it’s obvious but take it from someone who has been on both sides. I dumped and been dumped and I can tell you from experience that no one wants to be with someone like that.

Because you put so much emphasis on this person, two things are going to happen:

  • They’re going to leave because of all the pressure (your insecurities are shining right through and they see everything which pushes them away).
  • When they pull away and leave you, your whole world is going to crumble in because you put so much tension on one pillar in your life and this is going to make it much harder to get over someone. They don’t want to be your source of happiness. They rather join in on someone who already has a happy life going. Remember this when you’re wondering if he’s thinking if he should come back or not.


We are made to love and be loved in return. When your goal as an organism is to survive and reproduce, you feel like you’re on that path when you’re in a relationship. You feel completed, refresh, and that you “won” what you were supposed to do as a human being. Now, of course we don’t think that consciously but that is the goal of every living species deep in the lizard/chimp brain and subconscious.

When it doesn’t work out, you begin to stress. Since your body sees you stressing over the situation it is going to fight back because stress isn’t great for survival. Your brain literally thinks something is wrong. That is where your brain starts to flush itself with memories and good times not realizing it’s only doing more harm. Your brain does this because it remembers the good feelings you had with him and stores them. So, when you start to feel stress about not having him around, your brain gives you the illusion through thoughts and images which only hurts.

Speaking of evolution, men are very status and ego driven. A man wants a queen by his side. He wants a woman who adds value and benefits. Not a woman who is a hassle to date. Back then men had to fight for status because a higher status meant order instead of chaos. The higher you were, the less you had to worry about. A woman of high value is a top priority for a man who is seeking value. If he can attract an attractive woman, who is fun to be around, and that everyone wants, it raises his status. I am not saying you need guys flocking at you but when you were with him, did you act like this kind of woman? or where you a burden? Don’t worry about what he thinks. Worry about his subconscious and lizard/chimp brain. Attraction is not a choice. The things I just mentioned create attraction. If you were the opposite, I can understand why he left.

Just like this guy commented, everyone wants to be valued. If he leaves you, he doesn’t see the value. I am not saying it’s your fault.

how to get your ex back


It’s human nature to want acceptance. It feels good. We feel like we are a part of something bigger and more than just ourselves. Our acceptance starts wide. We tend to scan who is worthy of our acceptance. It can start as something big such as your classmates, team, family, friends, social group, or society. When we start to build depth and rapport with someone on a deeper level within those communities, their acceptance trumps all. It’s as if that wide view of acceptance got laser then and they are the only one who matters. When it doesn’t work out, you may feel betrayed, lied to, manipulated, tricked, and hurt.

Were you accepting of him and of who he was? or were you over jealous? needy and clingy? Suppressing? Always arguing? Holding him back? I am not saying to roll over and let him treat you as a doormat. Your needs and desires come first. however, a red flags is a normal action taken to the extreme. If you didn’t act out and everything was normal, then it was his fault. If that is the case, why would you want to be with him? You deserve better. Stop lowering your standards just to keep him in your life.

How Long Does It Take To Get Over Someone? I can’t Get Over My Ex.

how to get your ex back

It depends on the individual when it comes to getting over your ex. If you can’t get over him, Check out a few things and know more about how to win your ex boyfriend back:

Let Go Of Hope/Have a Freedom Of Outcome

The BIGGEST handicap that holds people back is hoping that things works out and they end up back together. Hope is the anchor that will keep you attached to him. Hope turns into:

  • Neediness
  • Clinginess
  • Desperation
  • Depression
  • Reacting in a negative manner

Do you think a guy would want to date a woman with those traits? As I said above, don’t put any more obstacles in your way. I don’t care if he doesn’t see or witness it. Don’t do it because the chance you do see him, you’re not going to have a level headed mind and know how to attract him properly.

I know women who try to come up with plans to get him back, chase him which only does more damage, tries to justify his actions or the situation to feed a crazy narrative in her head that he is still crazy about her but doesn’t “see it”.

I am here to tell you that you will never get over a guy if you have hope. That means if you say phrases like,

“I hope we get back together.”

“Right not is not the time but maybe in the future.”

“I will pull away to see if he will come back.”

“How can I get him back.”

“I don’t want anyone else. He’s perfect.”

If you say these phrases, you’re never going to get over him. You’re going to waste your time and life is going to pass you by. The only phrase you need to say and truly mean is:

“I accept that we are both going to live on this Earth but not together.”

If you say that, you’re moving in the right direction.

Let Yourself Get Sucked In and Hurt By The Breakup

A huge mistake a lot of women make is they try to numb the pain or keep themselves occupied to avoid thinking about her ex and breaking up. Don’t do that. Instead, lay there and let yourself be consumed by the darkness. Let yourself hurt. Feel what it’s like to hit rock bottom. Once you hit rock bottom and realize you’re still standing, you have been through the worst. You have experienced it all, hurt to the max, and witness how much you can bare. But the beautiful thing about it is you shouldn’t fear anything anymore. You got exposed to the worst feeling in your life. Now that you know what that is like, you can finally come up with a plan and say, “Okay, this sucks. I’ve been through it all. What do I need to do next?”

This helped me drastically. It sucks running from the unknown and trying to suppress your feelings and pain. It wasn’t until I took the blow head on and found out what it feels like that I could come up with a game plan on what I needed to do to get myself out of the rut.

What Is My Ex-Boyfriend Thinking About After The Break Up? Does He Want To Get Back Together?

how to get your ex back

After a break up, men usually go through different stages than women. Men try to hide the fact they’re in pain and tend to mask it by boosting their ego. That means he may:

  • Try to talk to other women (will use social media and dating apps most likely)
  • Go out a lot with his friends and drink
  • Workout and improve himself
  • Mask the pain altogether

Usually men will do this mixed with some other type of emotion such as anger. Then he tends to mellow down and sulk in his pain after he realizes the above tactics don’t work. He will start to miss you. For men, the pain of a break up is like a big blow and lasts a long time. We are usually in shock first and then it hits us later. I remember that I broke up with an ex of mine and it didn’t hit me until a month later. It was like flipping a switch. I went from happy to miserable in no time. So, if he doesn’t reach out in the beginning, don’t assume he doesn’t care. He is either masking his pain, doesn’t want to cave due to his ego, or it hasn’t hit him yet.

How To Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back. How To Get Him To Like You Again.

First off, I just want to say that these articles may help you also:

Here is the truth: Whenever a guy breaks up with you or pulls away, it comes down to the benefits versus the risks. What I mean by that is a guy will only stay with a woman who he believes is an asset. If he believes his life is better with you in it than without, there is no way he is going to break up with you. You’re too valuable.

When it comes to the break up and he leaves, that is when your value diminished and he thought of you as a risk to stay around. That is why he left the relationship. He doesn’t feel it’s worthy to stick around anymore and try to work things out. He may be thinking,

“I really like this girl but logically, why would I go back? All we do is argue, fight, and blah blah blah.”

When a guy sees no reasons to invest anymore, he’s not going to.

What do you do?

You give it time and space.

This is cliché and I am sure you don’t want to hear this age-old advice but let me tell you why it works. It comes down to context. You don’t want to be associated with a negative context. That means if you’re going to try to do something such as convince him to come back, beg, manipulate him, make him jealous, or anything like that, you’re going to look desperate, needy, and lower your value even more. The worst thing you can do is try to convince someone to come back to you when his brain is telling him the exact opposite. You’re creating too much tension. At the same time, his brain is associating you with those negative thoughts around the break up.

You need to give him time to cool down, collect himself, let him think of what he wants, and most importantly, you need to let HIM MISS YOU! The biggest mistake I see women make is try to get back with a guy right after a break up. He is heated and pissed. The last thing he wants is to get back together. By you always reaching out, you’re not actually giving the illusion of the break up because you’re not gone. Pull away for a little bit and let him miss you. Soon he will start thinking of you, you will occupy his mind, and you will get a text from him (unless you did too much damage already).

Reaching Out After Enough Time

After enough time goes by, I would say about 10-20 days, you may be able to reach out again. Hopefully his brain had time to cool off, he’s not stuck in the past, and is understanding enough to let things go and give you the respect to talk.

When you reach out, it should be short and simple. It could be a simple, “Hey” and then just pick it up from there if he responds. If you see him again, work on building value and reattracting him.

The goal is reattraction. Not to convince him. If you need help with building value and reattracting you ex, I suggest you check out my Ultimate Value Guide.

If he does NOT respond, then it’s over and you need to leave him alone. You’re only going to ruin your chances even more if you bother him.


Here are some extra questions and answers you may have when it comes to getting your ex back.

What To Do If Your Ex Is Dating Someone Else.

If your ex is dating another woman, then you must respect that. If his version of happiness doesn’t have you in it then so be it. Give him the respect he deserves and chalk this up as a learning lesson and figure out how you can prevent this with the next guy.

I Broke Up With My Ex But Regret It.

We are all impulsive at times and do things we regret. That is okay. If that is the case, you can reach out to him ONCE and tell him that you were impulsive and didn’t know what you were thinking and hope that he’d like to talk. Again, you only reach out once.

What To Do If Your Ex Comes Back

Treat it normally. If your ex comes back, you have the power. Don’t abuse it. Understand the situation and position he’s in and how you’d feel if you were vulnerable and coming back to an ex because you love and miss him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, talk, and see if you can meet in the middle and work out a plan to get back together.


Let me know ladies what you think about getting an ex back. Did you succeed? Or did you fail?

How to get your ex back

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About Me

What's going on everybody? It's your favorite dating coach, Elliot Scott! I am a 29 year old who lives in Boise ID spending most of my time doing what I love most: helping people find quality relationships