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Breakup/Heartbreak
Why You MUST Let Him Come To You After A Break Up

Why You MUST Let Him Come To You After A Break Up

Just being dumped is one of the worst feelings in the world. While you will live and see another day (and none of it’s going to matter in the next 6 months), you’re struggling and feeling vulnerable. You feel as if he stripped you of your pride, femininity, happiness, joy, and your ability to love again. We start to go through the 5 stages of grieving before we ask the one question that always pops up in our mind:

“How do I get him back? Hell, will he come back?”

In this article, I am going to explain while you should let him come to you after a break up. If you chase him, I can promise you that you’re not going to get back together and will never see him again.

You Need To Break The Hierarchy After A Break Up And Let Him Chase You

A lot of people don’t believe me when I say this, but I do believe there is always some type of hierarchy when there is a break up. The break up could me mutual but there is always someone who push towards it and someone who doesn’t want it to happen more than the other. It’s never completely 50/50. I have seen and talked to thousands of clients to see otherwise.

If you’re reading this article you’re probably the one who didn’t want the break up and are trying to find ways on how to get him back. Better yet, you probably already looked up articles like, “How to get your ex to like you,” or “How to get your ex to fall in love with you again.

Here is the truth: After a break up you create a hierarchy. This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. In most cases with my clients, the girl is wanting the guy back but the guy is the one who pulled away. That means from a mental, obvious, and circumstantial standpoint, the girl is at the disadvantage.

Because you want him, you’re the one at the bottom gathering his scraps in hope of his return. He is at the top because he’s the one being desired. This gives you a loss of power.

Even if you were to get him back, you’d lose him again. Why? Because the exact same thing would happen over time because nothing has changed. He knows he’s the one who is being desired and if he’s the only who initially pulled away, he is already skeptical. He knows he has one over you. You have no power in this situation. In fact, you probably made it worse by how desperate you might look for desiring a guy so bad who doesn’t want you.

Read: Top Reasons Guys Pull Away

If He Left and You Chased, You’re Screwed and He Has Power

Just as I said in the above point, if you chase the guy, you lose ALL POWER. It is VERY important you understand this.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he took advantage of the situation and played you when he wanted something just because he knows he could get it from you. These things could include:

  • Sex
  • Attention
  • Ego boost
  • Hit you up when he’s alone
  • To fill a void

Women always see it as a good sign when a guy comes back. Are you sure though? You don’t know why he’s coming back. If he pulled away, there was a reason. Rarely does a guy realize his mistake and want to be with you again. I am not saying it can’t happen but just because he comes back (even for good intentions), doesn’t mean he’s back for the long run. He may have got lonely and needed to fill a void. Then once he comes around, he is reminded of what it’s like or feels he’s giving you false hope. He pulls away again.

Some excuses he may use are the following:

  • “I miss you”
  • “I realize what it’s like without you.”
  • “I have been thinking…”
  • “I hate the single life”

I am not saying these can’t be genuine and that he TRULY misses you. I am just saying it’s not in your favor. Women think very binary in this situation. For example, just because he hates the single life doesn’t mean he likes you again. Him being single doesn’t help him build feelings for you. He may realize how good he had it but if it was actually that good and he left, he will probably leave again. Especially if you met the guy online or another girl comes around.

THERE WAS A REASON HE LEFT. THAT DID NOT CHANGE.

To sum all this up: Don’t chase. Let him come to you. Switch the dynamics. See, if you chase, he knows he has you as an option to fall back on. He knows you’re there. So why would he commit? You’re not scarce. You’re not out with other guys. You’re not leaving him. However, if you flip the switch and are the one who is moving on, he’s going to second guess his decision because there is that chance where you might actually find a decent guy and move on with your life. That means he’s alone and has no back up plan.

Read: Things Not To Do When A Guy Pulls Away

How to Regain Power If You Already Chased

Let him come to you after a break up

The problem with chasing a guy is a woman becomes her own worst enemy. She chases out of obsession. She only makes it worse. She creates a vicious cycle that is only digging her a deeper hold. You need to pull back. You need to let him come to you.

“But what if he doesn’t come to me? Then what?”

Then he doesn’t! Congrats! He just made it easy for you to move on because he doesn’t want you.

In all serious, this is why women always lose: it’s her desire for the outcome that gives her this weakness. You’re playing to win. Your desire for him means your fear of losing him dictates your actions. That is why he will always beat you and has one up on you.

It’s as if you’re gambling your rent money in hopes to get more while he is gambling with YOUR money. He’s carefree. He doesn’t care about the outcome. You do because you’re relying on it. It is this reliance that makes you weak and vulnerable. This is NOT attractive to any man.

With that being said, you know what you have to do:

  • Be scarce
  • Act as if you want him but don’t need him
  • Create competition
  • Stop chasing
  • Stop texting
  • Stop explaining yourself
  • Have a freedom of outcome aka stop looking for the end result
  • Stop lowering your value just to keep him around

Read: 30 Ways To Make Him Worry About Losing You

Will He Come Back To Me After A Break Up?

The good news is, believe it or not, the chances of him coming back to you are in your favor. Saying this, it’s only if you do things right!! I highly suggest you watch my Youtube Channel as it focuses on building attraction and the number one thing I am looked up for is how to reattract a guy after he pulled away.

But even if you’re not convince by that, I have one thing to tell you. It’s my philosophy on getting someone back. People do it wrong all the time. All you need to do is this:

Do not focus on convincing him. Focus on reattraction.

If you try to convince him you will lose. You’re going to look needy, pathetic, desperate, have no power, and he’s going to look at you as an option that is always there.

If you focus on scarcity, competition, not giving a shit, moving on, and sticking it to him, he will return. Trust me. I have clients who tell me, “but how? He doesn’t even contact me and we have no way of communicating. He doesn’t have anyway of knowing if I am doing these things.”

He knows. Sometimes, it’s not what you do but what you don’t do that sticks out in his mind. He’s going to wonder what you’re doing, why you’re not chasing, what you’re up to, why he hasn’t heard from you in 2 weeks, and so on.

Just give it time. Either way, you’re going to be okay. Now subscribe to my damn Youtube Channel!

2 Comments


  1. Lynn

    February 13, 2018 at 1:09 am

    Hi Elliott!

    Learning lots from your material but what about those of us trying to fix things in a long distance situation? We could use your help too!

    Reply

    • Elliot

      February 13, 2018 at 9:50 pm

      give me some topics and I will touch on them!

      Reply

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About Me

What's going on everybody? It's your favorite dating coach, Elliot Scott! I am a 29 year old who lives in Boise ID spending most of my time doing what I love most: helping people find quality relationships