Stop me when this starts sounding familiar:
You have found the perfect albeit emotionally unavailable guy who makes you laugh and tingle all over. You guys have an absolutely wonderful time when you are hanging out and the sex is stupendously mind-blowing.
To the naked eye, your relationship is all but perfect. There is only one problem, he doesn’t talk that much about his feelings. In fact, you can’t seem to get him to talk about anything emotionally deep at all. Not even about what he feels for you and ‘where this is going’!
Suddenly you realize that you can’t connect emotionally with this guy and you begin to panic. An emotional connection with your partner is something that is important to you and as much as this guy has everything else going, you just can’t let go of that little fact that he doesn’t talk about his feelings.
Then it all becomes clear: You might be dating an emotionally unavailable guy!! The horror!!!
Whatever will you do??
How to know you are dating an emotionally unavailable guy
First off, the one thing you should know is that most red-blooded, honest to goodness, real men hardly ever talk about their feelings. It is just not how we function. We would rather bottle it all in until we get into an unnecessary bar fight for no good reason. Only then do we realize that we might be holding something in that should be let out.
So the fact that he doesn’t jump at every chance to tell you how he likes the smell of lilies and that puppies make him tear up, shouldn’t be used as evidence that he is emotionally unavailable. Maybe he just doesn’t like talking about that stuff.
But then again, maybe he IS actually emotionally unavailable. How can you tell? Here are some signs you should be on the lookout for:
- He is self-centered: Never seems to care that much about what you want to do. It’s his way or the highway.
- He has an elusive conduct: They are only available when it is convenient for them. They would never offer to take you to brunch because they have a squash game lined up.
- He somewhat of a perfectionist: Does he always seem to be finding fault with one thing or another?
- He has a tremendously big ego: Does he brag a lot about all that he has done and seen? This could be a sign that he has low self-esteem and poor emotional health.
- He treats others with contempt: The quickest way to know a person’s character is to watch how they treat those they deem beneath them. How does he talk to cab drivers, waiters and bellboys? If he is almost always rude then it shows that they have some pent-up anger and that they could be emotionally abusive.
- He is constantly complaining about his past partners: If the previous breakups are never his fault, you, my dear, are dating an emotionally unavailable man.
- He makes a beeline to the physical side of things: If he is very eager to get things going in the bedroom department, then maybe he doesn’t want a deeper connection. Just good loving and he is out.
Last but not least, you have to listen to what he says. If he is constantly saying things like:
- ‘I’m just not that good at relationships’
- ‘I’m just not ready for marriage yet’
- ‘Man was not meant to be monogamous’
These are all signs that he is not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship nor to open up about his feelings. Believe it when they say that they don’t want anything more than physical intimacy.
What can you do to get an emotionally unavailable guy to open up?
Granted, just because he is emotionally unavailable doesn’t necessarily mean that he is no good for you. There are some pretty decent men out there who will treat you right and cherish you but they just do not know how to open up.
If you find that he is:
- Enjoys your company
- Gets along well with your friends
- Makes you happy
But he just doesn’t talk that much about his feelings, then you really shouldn’t dump him because of that one reason. There are things you can do to make him open up to you emotionally.
The one mistake women make when they are dating emotionally unavailable men
However, in their quest to get him to open up, women almost always make this one mistake: They push too hard!!
When you start pestering a guy to:
- Tell you how he feels
- Show you that he loves you
- Tell you where ‘this is headed’
You begin to come off as pushy and needy. Believe me when I tell you that men know women like to talk about feelings and show emotions. They know you want to hear them say that he sees his future with you in it and that you are everything to him. We know all this! We also know that once we say those words, we can never really take them back.
Men know that once they tell you they love you, there is a good chance you will hang on to those words and tie yourself to him. In our own twisted way, this ends up feeling like a prison.
This is especially true if you keep pushing for us to say those words and open up about what we feel. Every time you ask about ‘where the relationship is going’, all we hear are chain links and cell doors slamming shut. We begin to see you as:
- Emotionally fragile
All things that most men find very unattractive.
What should you do when you are dating an emotionally unavailable guy?
Now, the trick I’m going to show you actually works. Well, it has worked on me before and I can tell you for a fact that it works on most of the guys I know as well.
This trick might seem counterintuitive and it might sound a little risky, but if you do it right, you know, with that soft feminine touch of yours, it will work for you too. So what is the trick??
It is that simple. All you have to do is pull back a little. When he is not emotionally connecting with you at the level you want, every bit of you will tell you to push for that connection. You will want to:
- Ask him leading questions
- Place an ultimatum on your relationship
- Keep nagging him about opening up
- Emotionally sabotage him
Some women even decide to withhold sex as a form of punishment (which to be honest with you is a flawed strategy; you will just be creating an opening for other women to start looking more attractive to your man).
These are all mistakes. The trick is to stop yourself in your tracks and do the exact opposite of what your instinct is telling you to do. Pull back and give him some space.
Let him see that you are not emotionally dependent on him. Let him see that you are perfectly fine with him moving at his own pace but once you get fed up you will move right on. This is the sort of thing that scares and irresistibly attracts a man:
A woman who wants him but doesn’t need him!
Once he sees and realizes this, he will want to do everything in his power to keep you.
I know, it sounds very risky. I mean, what if he doesn’t pick up on what you are doing and starts thinking that you are comfortable with just being ‘friends with benefits’? What if he is so far gone that he really just can’t connect emotionally?
In either one of these cases, you have to ask yourself, is such a man really worth your while? Truth be told if you are going to have a sustainable and healthy relationship you need it to be with someone who is emotionally available to you.
Most, if not all men can open up emotionally. It just takes us much longer to do and we probably cannot open up to the deep levels that women can, but we can try.
All you have to do is give it some time and stop pushing. Let him open up because he realizes you are safe, trustworthy and because he is finally comfortable doing it with you. He will never come to this conclusion if you are pushy, needy and desperate. Pull back and let it happen naturally!