Mystery is a topic that is brought up often when it comes to dating. Women come to me asking, “How do I create mystery with this new guy I like? I think I blew it already,” or they will say, “You should make a video on mystery for us girls to reference when things are going south.”
Well, I have some good news. While this is not the video you asked for, it’s a guide on mystery that is going to go in-depth on why it’s a must-have, why guys love it, how to create it, and what to do if you lost it. Sadly, if you are reading this, you probably already lost it to some degree. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be an issue looking into. Either way, this guide is going to help you create mystery with your current man and any new men in your life.
Let’s jump in.
Why Men Love Mystery and Why You Must Have it
Mystery is everything. Besides value, mystery is the second most important thing when it comes to attraction. I only put it second to value because value is the currency of all attraction. The more value you have, the more you can make men do. Mystery also falls under the category of value. If you do the whole mystery thing correctly, it’s going to raise your value.
Why is mystery so important though? Why does it have so much power over men? Well, there are several reasons for this and it all comes down to evolutionary psychology.
I would like to start off saying why you need mystery and why men love it before talking about how to create it just so you know the foundation. That way, you can mold any situation you have under these attributes and important points.
Men Love Validation and Always Have Approval Seeking Behavior In The Beginning
The ironic thing about mystery is that we actually hate it. But it’s the hate for it that draws us in. we try to destroy (think of Oedipus Rex if you have read it) it with clarity.
Because we are natural pattern seekers. We like routine. We fill safe and secure. The brain loves to know what is going on so it doesn’t have to work so hard. Survival is easier that way.
With that being said, men like to know where they stand with you. Our confidence and self-worth are based on what you think of us. If we cannot attract you, someone else can and men hate competition. If I cannot hook women and convince them to sleep with me, by definition, I am sterile. When your job as an organism is to survive and reproduce, that becomes a problem. We become dogs with an anxiety disorder and only relax when we know you’re home. Sadly, so many women give in too easily and men take them for granted.
As a man, if I can’t win you over, I feel something is wrong with me. If this happens often enough without any closure, I can gain a complex. Think about a woman who has sex with men and every single time, the men ghost here right after. She’s going to go crazy. She’s going to have a complex and think something is wrong with her. That is what the human brain is trying to avoid. For men, we need validation. That is how we get our closure. In the dating ritual, man makes his advances and naturally a woman responds. He then responds to her feedback and the cycle continues. What happens when she doesn’t respond though? Or at least, not the way he thought should?
Mystery will breed insecurity. From there, he will chase until he gets clarity.
We Don’t Like Wasting Our Resources And Need Confirmation
Think of it like gambling. When we gamble, we do so in hopes to make a little extra cash or gain. When we start losing though, it creates this downward spiral of trying to get back to neutral. Men are no different when it comes to investing in you.
Men invest resources (time, energy, effort, money, etc) in you in hopes to move forward towards the prize. But you’re a vending machine that ate his money. Now you’re up a dollar and still have the item he wanted. You’re at an advantage while he is sitting wondering what happen. If the value is high enough along with the resources he has provided, he’s going to keep feeding money into the machine in hopes to get some return.
NOTE: This will only work if your value is high enough to keep it going. A lot of women might try to play mysterious and overdo it to the point where the guy just cuts his loses because he believes he can get something just as good somewhere else. So know how to play the game but don’t overdo it.
Men cherish their values so you must think of it as gambling on your side too. The only difference is you’re winning. So are you going to keep taking the money or are you going to stop and go home while your up? That’s for you to decide.
Going back to pattern-seeking behavior, you must think of it as men are paying (investing resources) to see where you stand. If he pays a little amount (some little bullshit text for example) and you reveal your cards, that is the baseline for your value and your mystery is gone. Why is it gone so early? Because logic tells men that if you’re willing to reveal your cards for the low price, you’re probably interested. Think of it as a “tell” in poker. For you who don’t know, a tell is something the cardholder habitually does that reveals the hand they were dealt. For example, if I have a good hand, I may subconsciously sit back and look around to see what other people are doing. If I have a bad hand, I may bite my lower lip. These are just a few.
Despite All This, Men Love Mystery And Playing The Game
Mystery in this context isn’t life-threatening so men will be a little more likely to play. What I have been talking up to this point is the curiosity men have due to the mystery. There is no TRUE evolutionary threat involved. It’s no different than the thrill you get when skydiving or the light pain when you’re having sex and a guy spanks you. It’s enjoyable if all goes well. That is why you have to throw a wrench in there once and a while.
Men also like the chase to an extent. Not a long-dreaded out chase where he’s exhausted it’s going nowhere and gives up. But a chase that feels like a game. It’s fun, sexy, thrilling, and creates a little sexual tension. Men love being problem solvers. Men take the risk in investing in you in hopes that you reveal your cards. If you do and he hooks you, he’s going to get an big ego boost and think he has “game.”
What Will Happen If There Is No Mystery? What Will Happen To Attraction?
If you don’t have mystery, you can still build attraction because you still can raise your value. If you want to know how to maximize your value, I suggest you check out my course here. It will tell you everything you need to know on hooking a guy and keeping him despite mystery. However, mystery will make it easier.
What will happen if you don’t have any mystery? Are you screwed?
Not quite but these things are much more likely to happen:
He Will Take You For Granted
You’re going to be taken for granted for several reasons. For one, it’s not going to be as fun or as sexy to chase you. Secondly, if you’re lacking mystery, it’s probably because your intentions were revealed. This means you were probably forward, eager, abundant, too available or all the above. Lastly, because he knows all this, he has to reason to keep investing in you. He can do what he wants now.
The Power Dynamic Will Be In His Favor
It’s going to be in his favor because if you lack mystery (at least in the beginning), he’s naturally not going to invest in you, therefore, has less to lose. If you truly like him, you’re going to reveal your cards to figure out where he stands because you need the validation since he’s not investing resources anymore. Why do you do this? Because you’re outcome dependent. He switched it around on you. Now you’re the one investing to see where his mysterious mind stands with you.
He Will Invest Less
As I said above, no reason to invest in you. Women must understand that he’s investing finite resources. They’re limited. He’s not going to invest more than he has to. Instead, he’s going to invest them into the other mysterious girls on Tinder and Bumble.
This is why you must have standards too. If you sleep with him on the first night, you negotiated that you want something casual so he’s going to treat you casual. It’s all about conditioning. If you slept with him early on, you less likely to get quality dates and instead have him text you out of convenience and ask you to just come over. We all know what that means.
The Relationship Is More Likely To Get Boring
If there is no chase, the relationship will end early. Men like to chase to an extent and value is often dictated on the loops you put a man though (if you’re able to). If you don’t make a man chase and create mystery, there is no fun involved. It’s going to be routine. You’re going to show your cards, he is going to have to do what he has to do to win you over in the normal dating process, he’s going to sleep with you, the power is going to be in his favor and you’re going to start to chase.
The Ultimate Ways To Create Mystery In His Eyes
There are actually many ways to create mystery in a guys eyes. However, they all start with this basic foundation:
DO NOT LET HIM KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS AND WHERE HE STANDS
That doesn’t mean you have to play hard to get because playing games can backfire. What I mean by this is:
- When a guy shows a lot of interest in the beginning (and he will) don’t just melt in his arms. Girls have the tendency to just go with the flow TOO much to the point where your compliance tells him where you stand without you having to say a word.
- Don’t always give him validation. That doesn’t mean you can’t compliment him or reach out but you don’t want to get into the habit of doing it often. You should only do it if he does. It’s hard to master but you have to learn when to balance the art of initiation and the art of pulling away. It’s all timing. See, if you don’t initiate mutual things, he is going to invest less resources because he is learning they’re not paying off. If you give in too much, he’s going to also invest less because he knows where you stand. The trick is to never fully follow through on certain things. For example:
- It’s okay to build sexual tension but not have sex.
- It’s okay to compliment him but do it in a fun and teasing way
- It’s okay to initiate but also end the conversation on your end and not keep it going all day.
- DO NOT PUT OUT EARLY. Make him work for it for crying out loud. Putting out is an action that tells him he has you because we have a stigma that women get emotionally attached after sex.
This is the foundation. Basically, don’t just melt in his arms. If he goes 100 miles an hour, that doesn’t mean you have to go with him. In fact, if he does that’s a red flag. From my experience, these are the men who don’t commit. They get buyer’s remorse and then pull back after a month or two of strong initiation.
From here, there are more things you can do:
Remain True To Yourself, Goals, And Value. Put Yourself First
As I mentioned already, your actions can dictate where you stand. Men don’t have to hear you say something to know that you’re crazy about them. For the love of God, don’t be one of those girls who change or drop plans to see him. If you’re going out with the girls or have plans with a friend, follow through. Don’t say, “I can see you after?” If you have good game you can do this but if you don’t, play it safe and give him a rain check then initiate the rain check.
If you think he’s treating you lower than what your value is, don’t hesitate to draw a line and pull back a little bit. Condition him to treat you well. Your standards will dictate how he treats you.
Pull Back Slightly If You Haven’t Already
Women seem to pull back at the wrong time every time. Women do what I call reactionary pullbacks where you pull back because you either made a mistake or you see him pulling back. Then you get in your head and think, “Uh oh, I better pull back.” While this is the right move in this situation, understand that it’s only the right move due to a BAD situation. If you’re pulling back too late and he’s already pulling back, there is a reason he’s pulling back. That makes you a convenience now that you’re pulling back when he wants his space.
On the other hand, if you pull away too early, you aren’t going to get chased because you didn’t create the desire for him to chase after what he wants. There is a sweet spot and it’s usually in the first several weeks after he’s invested several dates in you and you DID NOT have sex or suck his dick.
Guys tend to do this amazing thing called lying. If a guy ever talks about being exclusive sexually but not in titles, don’t agree to it. If a guy ever says he’s deleting his Tinder and that you should too, don’t do it. It’s all bullshit. Even if he does delete the apps, he messaged his number to the women he was talking to and is not texting them.
What I am trying to get at is men don’t like competition so sometimes we will tell you that we should be exclusive sexually just so I know in my male mind that I am the only person you’re talking to and don’t want to worry about losing you to anyone else. Even if I am not worried about losing you, saying this saves me resources because I am not competing with other men. Think of it as two businesses undercutting each other in terms of price to get the customer to buy from them. Men don’t want to do that so they’re going to tell you whatever they can to hear that you are exclusive to them without the relationship. That is literally the best thing a man can get because he’s eventually going to have his cake and eat it too. Again, you saying okay to this horrible deal give him context. It’s telling him through your actions that you are hooked. He’s going to naturally invest less.
You don’t have to rub men in his face. I suggest you don’t do that because it will backfire especially if you’re looking for a relationship because he’s going to call your bluff and bring up women. Guess who is going to get upset first? You are. You’re going to be pissed that he’s having sex with you yet talking to another girl. However, if he asks, just say, “I am talking to one other guy but it’s nothing serious.” This is the perfect line for the following reasons:
- Since it’s only one other guy (it could be more but don’t tell him that), he’s not going to give up due to too much competition. It’s one other guy who you said wasn’t that serious.
- In contrast to the top line, while it’s just one guy who you’re not serious with, you DID plant a seed. It may not be serious now but it could get serious. He’s going to be thinking about this when you say things like:
- “I would but I already have plans. Sorry.”
- Or if you get a text from him at night and don’t respond. He’s going to think you’re with this guy.
- He may think he is losing you to him or that the other guy stepped up.
- Many other things. It’s always good to plant seeds.
Competition is not a bad thing as long as you create the illusion of being highly sought after yet not rub it in his face. There has to be some type of fear to lose you. We don’t take action if there is no initiative. If you’re not going anywhere, I have no reason to ask you out. He needs to think if he doesn’t eventually make a move, someone else will.
Don’t Have Routine Sex With Him
Sex is a beautiful and fun thing. I have a very high sex drive so I am not going to tell you not to do it. Just follow two rules:
- Don’t give it up or make him cum early
- Don’t make it routine. That means
- You shouldn’t have sex every time you see him
- A majority of his text at night shouldn’t be, “Hey you wanna come over?”
- It shouldn’t be an expectation with him. If you have sex with a man early, that becomes an expectation.
Now I know you’re asking, when should I have sex with him? Check out my value course for extreme detail. For a little more insight, check out this video:
Never Seek His Validation Or Approval
It’s okay to apologize when you’re in the wrong. Never seek validation in the beginning though. By seeking validation and approval, it gives him power. Look at it from a logical standpoint: you’re only going to seek validation from people who you care about or whose opinions you care to hear. As soon as you start doing this several things are going to happen:
- He’s going to test you. If he senses you’re looking for it, he’s going to keep it away from you to see if you chase.
- If you are seeking these things, you are more likely to chase. You chase because when you want his validation there is a reason (because you like him). You are going to obsess and crave it when he doesn’t give it to you. Hence the cycle begins.
- He gains power and you revealed your cards
You must have what I call freedom of outcome. If you care too much about the outcome, it’s impossible to play the game. You can’t negotiate properly. Just go in having fun and give two shits if he likes you or not. This is going to cause him to chase.
How Do You Create Mystery With Men When You Already Lost It?
The short answer is you don’t. I want to explain why though. Think of it as opening a present. Once you unwrap it and see what it is, you cannot be surprised. There can’t be a mystery because you see what is coming. There is no curiosity.
The only thing you can do from here is to see if he’s still interested and then adapt your game accordingly. This is why I say the value is more important than mystery. With value, you can still gain his interest. Just because you lose mystery doesn’t mean you lose value if you play the game right. A lot of women make the mistake of trying to mysterious again and that falls short because 1) they can’t be mysterious and 2) He is going to wonder what you’re doing because you’re looking stupid creating mystery when he knows you like him. It’s like performing a magic trick when he knows how the trick works.
This is one of those things where you have to think you lost the battle but not the war. I had two clients several months ago in this exact situation where they felt they had the guy in their hands but lost due to revealing their cards. I talked to both of them and discussed that while you don’t have mystery, the guy STILL likes you. Attraction is not a choice. We can’t help who we are attracted to. If the guy still likes you, you have a chance.
Because he’s still going to try to seek your validation. You’re not playing a mystery game anymore. It’s a completely other game. You’re playing a game of power. He still has to work to get your attention. The problem a lot of women make is they feel they’re losing power so they start to chase to get validation. Don’t do that. One of the two clients was doing that and I told her to put a stop to that immediately.
Listen, It’s important to understand the goal of the guy. He’s trying to make his life as easy as possible. That is done by him investing fewer resources, not having to work as hard, and getting what he wants from you at the same time. Even if you lost the mystery, you cannot get into that cycle and give him those things. There have to be standards. That doesn’t mean raise your standards to make up for a lack of mystery. That isn’t logical. Just don’t drop them because you believe you’re losing power. You’re not. You lost the hand you were dealt but you’re going to be given another hand if you play correctly. It’s when you’re dumb, freak out, and go all-in with your chips, and lose that ends the game between you two. Instead, you bet some chips, got a shitty hand, he won, took your chips, and that’s it. Live to fight another day. Just like my two clients, they ended up getting the guys.
How Long Should I Be Mysterious?
I know you’re asking this question. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be mysterious forever. I just feel a lot of women give in too easily. Even if you play the game correctly in the beginning, you start to cave once he starts investing a lot. What you need to understand is guys always invest a lot in the beginning. Their job is to win you over whether it’s to sleep with you or have a relationship. He’s going to invest a ton in the first month.
One Evolutionary Psychologist mentions that you should wait 10 (yes 10) PAID dates. A lot of women will say that’s too long and that the guy will pull away.
This guy is not the guy for you then. He was going to pull away, to begin with. A guy who truly likes you won’t put himself in a position to lose you. If a guy sticks around for 10 paid dates before you hook up, the chances dramatically in your favor that he’s going to commit.
If you don’t like that answer, I still think you should at least wait it out. Better safe than sorry. You have to look at effort over time and see if he’s still putting in solid effort after a month. See him too at least 5 times before putting out.
I know I am selling it hard but my Value Course talks about this in great detail. I feel it’s more about knowing the situation than it is timing. For example, in the course, I talk about doing your detective work. If the guy is any of these things, I would highly suggest holding out longer:
- 35 and under and on Tinder (where you met)
- Gets sexual early
- Is newly single in the last year
- Has been cheated on
- Doesn’t have good examples of healthy relationships in his life
- Hasn’t had a solid long-term relationship over a year in the last several years
If the guy is any of these things, he can still be a decent guy but from my experience, these are the tell-tell symptoms of a guy who isn’t going to commit. Why would he? Let’s go through them each, shall we?
35 and Under and on Tinder: Don’t tell me that your best friend and her husband met on Tinder. I could care less. They’re the rare exception. The average guy is on Tinder to have options, fill voids, get laid, and attention. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean he’s not looking for something serious but it usually takes the back burner when he’s talking to multiple women. Why would I date you if we are already hooking up and other girls are on rotation? If this is true, I will actually be losing out on assets by committing to any of you unless you’re super high value and/or I am hardcore looking to settle down.
Gets Sexual Early: Pretty self-explanatory. If he’s sexual early, he’s looking for sex. Your value proposition is sex and that’s what he’s after. This guy couldn’t remain a mystery and revealed his cards.
Newly Single: If I am newly single, why in the hell would I want to jump back into a relationship? I just got my freedom back! I am going to exercise this freedom too. If I am newly single and we just started talking, you’d be crazy to think I’d date you. For one, I want to be free. Two, you may be a rebound because I am not ready for seriousness. Three, you’re one of the first girls I am talking to. Even if I was wanting to settle, it’s not going to be with the first several women I met. I want to see my options.
No Healthy Examples Of Relationships: Are attachment types are mostly created from other examples of relationships around us from family to friends. If a majority of the people he knows are in horrible relationships or marriages ended in divorce, he’s not going to know how to model a successful one.
Cheated On: This usually creates damaged me who are either insecure or trying to get validation from women. They do this by talking to multiple women and using them for sex.
Hasn’t Had A Solid Relationship In A Long Time: I can go into the many reasons why this is important but there is one simple logic I like to touch on with this. When my clients come to me and they tell me that the guy is in his 40s and has never had a serious relationship (doesn’t matter what age it is. If there is a huge gap, there is a problem), the one thing I tell them is harsh but true, “Well, if that is the case, what makes you so special? What makes you think he’s going to break the cycle with you?” They don’t like when I say this but it’s true. Age aside, if the guy has been single for a while, what makes you think he’s going to commit to you? Not saying he can’t but you better have a damn good reason because your reason needs to be good enough to:
- Break his bad habit streak of remaining single
- Be something that other women are not
- Be able to be so good that he’s willing to give up all other women JUST to date you, a girl he’s probably already getting benefits from. So show me what you got.
Well, there you go. I am sure I can add a hell of a lot more here but I think you get the idea. To create mystery, you just have to follow three rules:
- Don’t reveal your cards. That means:
- Don’t put out early
- Don’t go at the intense speed he’s going
- Have the freedom of outcome
- Make him put the effort in over a long period of time
- You must have value and get him to invest his resources in you. This causes him to chase because he needs validation and confirmation.
- Never let him know where you stand unless he’s willing to commit.
Love you ladies and wish you the best of luck!