Let’s take this scenario that I am sure you and a lot of other women have been in:
You are talking to this guy and things are going great. You really like him and you feel that he likes you too. However, he is a little too sexual. You’re fine with it for the most part because you like the guy and also find him sexually attractive. The difference is you emphasize substance, depth, rapport, and communication. To you, that is the definition of sexy.
Luckily, men aren’t only sexual. Women can do plenty of things that get our gears going and have us see you as more than a sexual option. In this article, I am going to go over what you can do to hook a man that doesn’t involve being sexual.
First Thing First: You NEED Sexual Attraction To Some Degree To Hook Him
I have to say this first and get it out of the way: I hope you’re not trying to avoid sexual attraction altogether. That is half the equation. That is what separates how he sees you versus how he sees his boys. If you don’t build some type of sexual attraction, you’re nothing but “one of the guys.” Trust me, you don’t want that.
You might be saying, “Well, I don’t want him to see me as sexual because I am more than that and I have more to offer.” I agree 100% You’re a human who can add a lot of value to his life. It’s important to remember though that in the beginning, physicality is going to be the culprit on why he was pulled in. That’s just nature and evolution doing its thing. I am a true believer that for the guy to stay, it does come down to stronger traits such as personality. I am just stating all this because I don’t want you to avoid being sexual altogether.
This doesn’t mean you have to mess around with the guy. You can be flirty, witty, dress nice, and tease him. The problem a lot of women make is they:
- Overdo it
- Don’t know how to show her other traits so that becomes her value proposition
- Doesn’t even know what the guy wants. Sorry, if the guy wants sex, he’s going after sex. Doesn’t mean you have to give it to him. Just know he doesn’t owe you anything either. You two are on different pages and should just move on.
I am going to show you other traits that usually pull men in and have them stay for the long-haul. Before doing so, I just want to emphasize the importance of having some type of sexual tension by introducing to you the 3 categories men put women in and how they got there:
Category One: Friend Zone
The way you got into the friend zone was the following:
Chemistry – Sexual Chemistry = Friend Zone
That’s right. You’re one of the guys. Congratulations. You don’t have enough sexual attraction to stick out from men. If he just wants good conversation and a buddy to hang out with, he’d call his guy friend. Not that all you’re good for is sex but the polarity of the sexes itself is very alluring to men. It’s not that I am physically attracted to you as much as it is pulling this physically attractive woman in. Can I? Do I have the game to do so? How much is she going to resist? She’s hot but does she have brains too?
Despite all those questions, they’re not fun questions if there isn’t sexual tension. I don’t think about those things when I talking to my guy friends. The polarity itself is a beautiful thing. Don’t try to change it because it’s 2019.
Category Two: Friends With Benefits
If you became Friends With Benefits, it’s because:
Sexual Chemistry – Chemistry = Freinds With Benefits
I talk about this more in the next section but it’s important to touch on here: If I don’t see you for more than just sex, you’re only good for sex. This is probably the category you want to avoid if you’re reading this article so I completely understand. Sadly, so many women post sexy pictures (which is totally okay) and lure men in but wonder why they don’t stay. She has nothing else to offer!
People don’t like when I say this but the average woman I talk to is boring as hell (so are men). Not that I am anyone you need to prove anything to but let me give you a great example:
I have women come to me whether they’re a client or an actual woman I am dating and they say they want deep conversations because they find intelligence sexy. The problem with this statement is deep conversations and intelligent ones are two completely different things. Let’s say I ask you a deep question such as what is the meaning of life. Any woman can answer that and because it’s a deep topic, it’s naturally going to have some substance to it. However, to have an intellectual conversation on that topic, you have to have a good grasp of what I am actually asking you. If you’re a woman who understands existentialism or nihilism and you say, “There is no meaning to life according to Nietzsche because blah blah blah,” you’re going to stick out from the average woman who says, “It’s what you make it. It depends on the person you’re asking,” and then gives me her personal meaning of life. I didn’t ask her for HER meaning. Anyone can give their own meaning. Not a lot of people can peel back the layers though.
Another example I have is with reading and literature. For you all who don’t know, I have my degree in English Literature so I have a very good grasp of literary theory. I always tell people there is reading the lines and reading between the lines. Everyone reads the lines. It’s only people who have a grasp of literary theory and criticism who can read between the lines and see beyond the surface. This is why I talk about passion later on in this article. It’s so important.
Category Three: Girlfriend Material
If you’re girlfriend material, it’s because:
Chemistry + Sexual Chemistry = GF!
You have what every man is looking for: an attractive woman with substance! A lot of people, both man and woman think they have this but they don’t! At least, not something that sticks out from the crowd. I tell people that sometimes you have to be good enough to the point where he’s willing to give you up for all other women. The reason for that stupidly high standard is due to modern dating and I mean that in the sense of:
- Women love to put out more than ever before. Which is fine, but there are consequences to your actions (both good and bad).
- He’s using dating apps and has many options.
- Both sexes are easily replaceable. There aren’t really any consequences for him dropping you because worst-case scenario he’s swiping right on someone else and talking to them.
There is this sub 4th category I like to throw out there because I feel a lot of women fit into it. I don’t have a name for it but I see a lot of my clients talking to guys who believe that she’s attractive (sexual chemistry) and that she’s awesome to be around (chemistry) BUT not to the point where he’d drop everyone else and commit. On top of that, if he’s already getting the benefits on a regular basis, he’s definitely not going to drop you.
You Have To Look At Men From An Evolutionary Perspective (VERY IMPORTANT PLEASE READ)
I think people in this modern era overthink things when it comes to dating and attraction. I know you hear men say this a lot but we are simple. Too simple which is why I think we throw women off. Women are more complex when it comes to relationships and commitment and I think they apply these concepts to the male mind. They don’t work.
For right now, I want to talk about resources. Men although sexual, look at how they want to spend their limited resources. They don’t want to spend them on a woman who will waste them or take the resources for granted. Instead, they want a big pay off for the investment. Men look at things in terms of assets versus liabilities. So that begs the question:
Are you an asset to his life or a liability?
This means women who are more confident in their abilities, themselves, their body, have independence, motherly characteristics, who are loyal, and a whole other list of things will do much better than a woman who doesn’t have these things. In fact, if you are very attractive and don’t have these things, you’re going to be put into the friends with benefits category.
Because you’re not sustainable to him. If you don’t have those traits I mentioned, then your value proposition will be your looks and most sexual things. That means he’s going to take advantage of those and then leave. No reason for him to keep investing in you after that especially if he sees that you’re starting to get hooked. The last thing he will want is to hook a woman who can’t give him more than he’s already received. That is going to drain more resources. That is why I tell women that you gotta have some sort of thing he finds physically appealing but if that is all you have, you’re easily replaceable.
Hooking a man long term has much more to do with sex. As I said, it’s sustainability. He has to be able to see you long term. You MUST have these three things:
- Make him want to be a better person
- Have more assets versus liabilities
- He must believe that his life is better with you in it than without
If you have these three things and he’s open to a relationship, you won.
I am not going to act like these things are easy to get because they’re not but they are there and attainable. If you check out my Value Course, I go into great detail on how to maximize your chances of being seen long term and getting these three things. You won’t find that information anywhere else.
To Impress Him, Be Relationship Material ACCORDING To Men
Despite what a lot of women believe, most men want relationships. We just go about it differently. We focus on a quantity approach until the right woman comes along while women, for the most part, focus on quality from the beginning. Because of this, it’s very hard for a man to logically commit to a girl and give up all his other options unless you’re the right woman.
To impress a man, you must have this standard in mind. For both you and him. He’s not going to commit to a woman who is not relationship material. Yes, this sounds like common sense but I don’t think a lot of women understand what I am getting at.
Women reply to me with, “Well I am relationship material. I am smart, pretty, I take care of myself, I am funny, I have a good sense of humor, and (fill in the blanks).”
While I believe you one hundred percent, what women don’t understand is a lot of women fit this category. I mean A LOT. There are a lot of women out there who he finds attractive with a brain and takes care of themselves. He knows this to be true because women who don’t are not even on his radar! Why would I search for a woman who doesn’t fit those criteria? He is just selling myself short if that is the case. Instead, due to his perspective of searching/scanning for quality women, a lot of women in his eyes have this good “baseline.” So being smart, pretty, and taking care of yourself isn’t something that makes you relationship material. It’s a prerequisite. This should be the same for you too. Never let a man in unless he’s fulfilling 80% of your checklist.
What does all this have to do with turning a man on non-sexually? It’s a freakin’ relief to find a girl who is unique, treats us well in a unique way, that sticks out from the crowd and sticks in our mind long after seeing her. It just makes the whole dating process easier if you’re both extraordinary.
I am going to be completely honest. I can’t tell you how many women I have talked to in my life who were awesome (seriously, truly amazing women) but I never committed because despite being so awesome, they didn’t stick out enough to other awesome women. Logically, why would I commit to her if I am not completely convinced and there are other awesome options out there who are interested in me?
It’s not even about turning a man on non-sexually. It’s about both sexes being quality options that are a rare find. I truly think that the reason a lot of guys don’t commit (besides having options) is that long-term in our minds is such a permanent concept that I am not going to commit unless I know without a benefit of a doubt that it’s worth it.
Turn Him On With Your Uniqueness (TRIGGER WARNING)
Everything I am about to say applies to humanity in general not just women. I wish women held men to the same standards as they hold other things in their lives. For some reason, women tend not to due to emotions getting involved.
With that being said…
One great way you can turn any man on and hook him is by being unique as hell. I know you’re thinking, “But Elliot I am unique.”
Yes, you are. You probably have something that you can offer that other people cannot. But do you know what that thing is? A lot of people don’t and that’s the point of this paragraph. A lot of women focus on looking good, chemistry, a good personality, and other things. What they don’t realize though is while their looks, personality, and the chemistry between the two of them are unique, it’s only that way based on the frame and context.
What I mean is, everyone has a personality, looks are subjective, and guys have chemistry with many women. We are used to this as humans and have grown up seeing the many different masks amongst people so it doesn’t stick out. You have to be unique on a grand scale. What can you offer a man that the majority of women can’t? Passion (what I talk about below) will help you find that. For example, I am not trying to hate on any jobs/careers. None of us are below or above what we do and everyone’s job is important. However, we are speaking in terms of attraction. Do you think a guy rather date a girl who works a tiring 9-5 job and she’s there because she’s content and doesn’t have the motivation to do something on the side? Or do you think he’d rather date a girl who is passionate about photography and travels the world taking pictures to upload to her traveling blog and Instagram? Trust me, that girl is going to stick out for many reasons:
- Her job is more interesting
- It’s attractive
- Traveling probably something a lot of men want to do themselves
- She has a lot of stories
- She works for herself
- We will be interested in how she was able to pull it off
- We will be interested in what triggered her passion for traveling
You get the picture (no pun attended). She’s just adding so much value and doesn’t even know it because it’s something she wants to do.
This doesn’t even have to stop with your job. Going back to looks, do you have a unique look? Do you have a sense of style? Don’t worry about looking hot. There are different ways to turn heads. Is there pride in the way you carry yourself or dress? A unique style that compliments your frame, skin tone, hairstyle, makeup, and other things go a long way. It’s very attractive that a woman takes care of herself and goes the extra mile. Trust me men can tell.
Do you have these things? Or are you average like me? Average is completely normal and okay but people don’t dream to be with someone average. Not saying you are, I am just asking you the question.
I just started talking to a life coach and this is the way I personally feel about my own life so don’t think I am just attacking you. While I do have a dating channel on Youtube, work for myself, and make good money, I feel I am very bland outside of my work. What else do I have to offer society? I don’t take care of myself physically, don’t have a sense of style, speak one language when I want to speak more but don’t do anything about it, have not traveled like I wanted to, have not written a novel like I wanted to when my freakin’ degree is in English literature, have not changed anyone’s life other than dating, and so many other things. I fall into the trap a lot of other humans fall into:
Comfort. Content. Complacency.
Don’t fall into the same trap I have. Thank God I am young and aware of it that I can change. Before you attack me or judge what I say, watch this video. It conveys what I am trying to say but to life:
So while you are unique, how unique are you? Is it based within a frame or spectrum? You can be the most popular girl in high school but if your high school is in a small town, it doesn’t say much because 1) it’s highschool 2) your graduating class was under 150 people. Who gives a shit. What do you have to offer society and humanity that other people can’t or are afraid to? Men want a woman who is unique because if I have this special woman, only I have her. No other man can obtain you because there is just one.
The first Non-Sexual Thing Is Impressing Him
Men from an evolutionary standpoint are about survival and reproduction. Because of this, we like the advantages. Men compete amongst other men in order to get a high-value woman. This is why I tell women to always act like you’re highly sought after and never give in right away. The reason men see high-value women as an advantage is:
- It’s a good sign that I am on the right path as a man if I can get you and other men cant. It means I am doing something right otherwise, you wouldn’t have chosen me.
- If I can get you and you come to me, that means other men can’t have you and I have an advantage because you’re highly sought after.
- It creates a hierarchy and status. People see me with you therefore, I have a boost in status.
So where does impressing a man come into all this? You have to think of what impressing actually is. When someone impresses us, they have our attention. Our impression of them is greater than it was. They did something different or out of the ordinary. They did something we really like hence, why we are impressed. If you can do that and other women can’t you have an advantage. It triggers an emotional response in men that doesn’t disappear as easily as looks. While looks are important, men rarely remember the hot girl he walked by 20 minutes ago. Everyone can be hot but can everyone impress you? Of course not.
The Second Non-Sexual Thing Is Passion
No one has a passion anymore. Passion makes you fun and unique. It’s what you’re about and if I like that thing and can see clearly what you stand for, I will want to be on board. Passion adds excitement, color, and taste to life. We are in a world where so many of us feel like slaves to the system and caught in the rat race. This causes men to want an escape. Finding a woman with passion is a very beautiful thing.
Passion itself also comes with many traits. It shows you’re consistent, disciplined, loyal, and mastering a craft. Not a lot of people have all those traits. When a woman lacks a passion, she lacks purpose and direction. I can’t tell you how many times I sat down with a woman and asked her what she was passionate about and she is hesitant to answer because she doesn’t’ know what to say. In reality, a lot of people like things but they’re not passionate. Instead, we go home after work, kick off our shoes, set into our evening routine, and repeat that until the weekend. If you’re talking to a guy you two will text throughout the night and maybe make plans for the weekend. Rinse and repeat. That’s a very boring and sad life. Why would anyone want to be part of that? I sure wouldn’t.
Men want women who will pull them into a different world. Grab my hand and introduce me to the world of traveling if you enjoy traveling. If you like skydiving, take me underwater. If you love to read and write, talk to me about the writing process, literary theory, and characterization. It’d be much more fun than asking how work was or if you have weekend plans.
Other Things That Turn Men On Are
Those are two big ones for me. Obviously, there are more but I believe you should always start with those two. Here is a list of other things men like:
- The way a woman smells. This a big one. Studies show that smell lingers in the mind longer than other senses and it causes us to reminisce more.
- A foreign accent
- The way you love yourself
- The way you love your body
- The way you accept him and his imperfections
- Your loyalty and trust. Sadly, this is very hard to find nowadays.
- Glasses or a change-up in looks
- The way you make him want to be a better person (in fact, this should be at the very top with the other two. He will never commit to you if you don’t make his life better)
- How you carry yourself
- Doing things for him that make his life easier
- Being a good listener and communicator.
- Musical abilities
- Deep conversations and strong opinions yet being open-minded
- The way you sleep and the way you wake up
- The passionate way you kiss him
- Making the first move
- Your unique texting
- The way certain colors bring out your eyes
- Good taste in movies, book, art, etc.
- Cute unique quirks
- The way you say his name
- Your eyes
- Your laugh and smile
- How polite and lovable you are to other people
- How selfless and giving you are
- Being decisive
- The way you look at him as if he’s perfect
- Him being able to be vulnerable and open around you
- Being non-judgemental
- Making his life easier
- Making him feel wanted and loved
If you do just half of these things and the first two I talked about, you have the guy hooked. Hopefully, I have helped you in some way understand how to attract a man non-sexually. There are many different ways but what is important is how you look at it. don’t look at it from the perspective of turning a man on. Look at it from the perspective of being a high-value woman for you and you only. Offer him things other women can’t. This may take a lot of souls searching but you can. The reason I became a dating coach is although the information on dating is already out there on dating sites and talked about from other dating coaches, I knew I had some nuggets of insight that were not being talked about. I also knew there were ways to explain things that others were afraid to explore. That’s why my style is brutal honesty and being real. I am not here to waste your time. Life is too short. Best of luck