Okay, you got ghosted. You thought things were going great with this guy. He was showing all the signs that he liked you: initiating, courting you, texting you morning and night, stayed after sex, asked you out for multiple dates, and even introduced you to some of his buddies. On your end, you believe you did everything right. You hid your red flags and didn’t get in your own head. Unfortunately, for some reason that you will never understand (until you read this guide), the ghost just up and vanished. He left you without saying a word as if the last month of hanging out was non-existent. What gives? Why did he leave instead of pulling away? Why didn’t he give me any closure? We are going to discuss all this in great detail below so let’s jump right in.
Ghosting: What It Is And What It Isn’t
You have heard the term more than you want to. It’s fairly common in the dating world. At some time in your dating life, you’re going to ghost someone or someone is going to ghost you. So what is it?
According to Google’s Dictionary, I found their definition to be accurate:
“Ghosting is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication”
That’s right. It’s harsh I know. If you got ghosted that means:
- It happened out of nowhere when things were going well.
- There is no explanation to why it happens. No closure.
- The person most likely deleted you on all social media and communication platforms.
- The person has no intentions of seeing you again.
- He just up and left with no signs of him ever being there.
People often get the terms Orbiting, Pulling Away, Bread Crumbing, and Ghosting confused. Let me explain briefly what they are:
When A Man Orbits
I don’t care what anyone says, I coined this term and brought it to the attention of readers, viewers, and other writers/coaches. Orbiting is when a guy pulls away but orbits on the outside, coming in from time to time to see if he still has you on a leash. This guy doesn’t like you as much as he likes access to you. He’s using you for his own benefits because he’s putting himself in a position to lose you but is taking the calculated risk that you’re not going anywhere. Every time you reply to when he comes around, that just gives him more validation that you’re hooked and waiting for him. It’s best to call a guy out on this, demand standards, and move on if you don’t get what you want. This is a lot like breadcrumbing which I will talk about in a bit. The only difference is this guy is treating you like an option by putting you on rotation. He’s just making his rounds to ensure all the options he has are still on board. If they’re not, he will maybe put forth a little bit more effort to get you hooked again. he knows it doesn’t take much because if you were truly done with the games, you would have moved on. This is a top three trap that women fall into.
When A Man Pulls Away
Pulling away may sound a lot like orbiting because Orbiting is a style of pulling away or creating space but the difference is the intentions. When someone orbits, it’s usually consciously or subconsciously a lack of respect on their end. They’re taking you for granted and are doing so because they can tell through the context you two have had up to that point that they have you wrapped around their finger. You showed too many signs that you’re hooked and there is no threat or urgency that you’re leaving. You’re at the point where you desire him that you fear to lose him and he’s taking advantage of that situation.
When a guy pulls away, there can be many reasons and a lot of the time a lack of respect isn’t one of them:
- Something in his life came up
- It was moving too fast
- He can tell you’re on different pages
- Fear of commitment
- Angry or upset with you
- You’re coming on too strong
- He came on too strong and realized he’s biting off more than he can chew.
Usually, when a guy pulls away, it’s to gain space. A guy can pull away and still like you. That’s not always the case but there could still be some attraction.
When A Guy Is Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is the ultimate mind game. Breadcrumbing can mean two things:
- Your crush has no true attention on getting with you but likes the benefits and attention you’re providing so goes along with it.
- Your crush is doing the bare minimum effort and texting to keep you hooked.
The second part is where women get confused and trapped. If you like me, you’re going to justify my actions. I can’t tell you how many clients I have had who were treated like shit but hold onto the thought of, “Well, if he doesn’t like me, then why does he still reach out?”
Because he is breadcrumbing you!
You have what we call a like bias towards him. You justify this action and hold onto hope. Women have a hard time letting a guy go who is still showing minimal effort because she thinks, “What if.” She will freak out if she lets him go wondering if she made the right decision or regrets it. This is another thing a man takes advantage of.
What Ghosting Is NOT
I know I am going to get a lot of crap for saying this but I am going to say it anyway:
Not every time a guy disappears on you means he ghosted you. If:
- If you have had 2 or fewer dates and he disappears, that isn’t ghosting.
- If you texted for a long time but never met, that’s not ghosting either
- If it naturally dies off and you were the last one to text and he leaves you on read, that’s not ghosting. That’s just a guy who doesn’t care.
- If there are large gaps between us texting and we naturally fall off, that’s not ghosting
In my opinion, ghosting has to have a strong platform to work on. There has to be something there. There has to be potential. Why? Because the guy doesn’t owe you a damn thing if the bullet points above are involved. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t tell you if he’s not feeling it. Communication is key and will prevent complexes, confusion, and heartbreak. I advocate for communication. I am just saying don’t feel entitled to get a long explanation from a guy who you never met, only texted, or been on a date or two with. If you don’t hear from him, you can only assume he lost interest. You don’t need closure for that.
Also, if a guy ghosts you and then comes back around, that’s not ghosting. Ghosting is when the guy completely disappears forever. That means if a guy ghost you and you don’t hear from him for a month, you’re okay to call it ghosting. The very next day he comes back around, you now say he is currently pulling away.
Because it’s intentions. A man who ghosts you doesn’t have the intentions to come back around. He’s a ghost. People don’t come back from the freakin’ dead. To contradict what I just said, it’s okay to use ghosting in the past tense. You can call him out and ask, “Hey dude. Real cool for ghosting me. What was that about?”
He will reply with something along the lines of that wasn’t his intention it’s just his mom got sick, he was stressed with work., you two moved so fast and although he likes you, he doesn’t know what he wants.
What he just did here is what I call a negotiation tactic that changes the context of the situation and traps women. You probably didn’t even notice it. If you want in-depth detail on the matter, check out my course Attraction Academy where I show you how to avoid and get what you want out of these situations.
The Genie (My New Favorite I Made Up)
The Genie is basically a mix between a lot of the things I said above. If I explain to you the dating ritual among human, it will make things more clear:
A guy’s job is to win you over. Not the other way around. His job is to prove himself to the woman and then the woman chooses the guy who is most worthy. This means a guy must be a provider and satisfier. He must court you, paint this picture of longevity between you two, invest his resources in you, and many other things. Basically, he’s supposed to answer all your hopes and wishes.
The problem is once a guy does that for whatever reason (manipulating, sex, validation, ego boost, or attention), he disappears! He gives you all his wishes then leaves as if his job and purpose with you are done! It’s screwed up but I would say this is the most accurate situation with my phone clients. I have many clients who say, “Well, in the beginning, he did XYZ, ABC, and things. If he didn’t like me, why would he do that?
That’s because he pulled The Genie on you. He did it for only reasons he knows. My job is to tell you what I know for sure: He’s not interested. If he was, you’d not be on this call with me. If a guy truly likes you, he won’t put himself in a position to lose you.
Why Is Ghosting Is So Common Today?
According to Bankmycell’s infographic, Ghosting is no joke:
I am going to go into detail on why you got ghosted and narrow down the reasons he did it but first, I want to talk about why it’s so common today. You hear it more than ever. I want to give you a view into the male mind and how some men see it as an advantage despite it being cruel and hurtful to another person.
Modern dating is a new thing. Never have any man had these many options. If I wanted to hit on girls in different cities, states, or countries, I could. Not only that, I can do it at the comfort of my own home. Even better, I could be talking to one, ten, or dozens of girls at a time if I wanted to.
Before dating apps, dating and couples were more scarce. During our grandparents time, for example, you couldn’t talk to the opposite sex unless you worked with him, were already friends, introduced through mutual friends, physically walked up to him/her, or had a class together. There was no abundance. Only scarcity. This means two things:
- He had to play his cards right because of a lack of options
- You didn’t have as many options
Today, a man can talk to you and leave you the next week with no repercussions. Yeah, it’s a horrible thing to do but the opportunity to meet new women is so big that he can drop women, hit and quit, or not treat them like queens because he knows tomorrow all he has to do is open Tinder or Bumble and start swiping right. Eventually, he’s going to match with someone and the process is going to continue.
The technology that we love and make dating easy and accessible is the poison that is killing modern dating. It’s making it harder to commit. Why would a guy commit if he doesn’t have to? Why not just keep hooking up and breadcrumbing you who lives 50 minutes away while talking to some girl in my town? You will never know the difference. And if for some reason I feel you’re getting too attached and I don’t want to deal with it, I can just unmatch you, delete you from everything and disappear. You’re not going to drive down and confront me. He gets away completely free! It’s completely ridiculous and immature but it’s crazy how common it is. Basically, the devil is in the opportunity. If you’re talking to a shitty guy and he has the opportunity to do it, he’s more likely to do so. Johnny couldn’t ghost Sandy back in the day. They had the same friend group, social circles, classes, or were coworkers. Johnny had to be a man and look her in the eyes and tell her he doesn’t feel the same. Which gets me onto another thing:
Men are not men anymore. But that’s a whole different story we will touch on someday.
Why He Was So Comfortable Ghosting You (Broad Perspective)
Think of life like this:
If you want to ace life, all you have to do what is emotionally displeasing in that moment. That means:
- If you want to eat that piece of cake, don’t eat it.
- If you want to lay in bed instead of work, go work.
- If you rather chill and watch tv instead of go to the gym, go to the gym.
- If you fear public speaking, practice public speaking.
- If you are afraid to approach a guy/girl, go approach that person.
You get the idea. I was just painting the picture that the brain is trained to do what is emotionally comfortable. The brain is its own worst enemy. It believes if it pushes everything away, avoids conflict, and stays away from work and pain, it will survive. While that is true, it’s a horrible way to live. Despite this, people fall victim to it and do the stuff I mentioned anyway.
We all have this little weasel in us that is jumping from one comfortable thing to another. It’s trying to run away from obstacles and go back into its safe home we call our comfort zones.
To prevent this kind of stuff from happening you must have strong morals, awareness, and discipline. These three things are challenged and tested when a guy starts to ghost.
When it comes to men and ghosting the challenge is the discomfort. Men hate confrontation and accountability. He doesn’t want drama, the fights, the stress on how you will react, the talks, you trying to convince him, seeing you upset/cry, and many other things. This causes his moral and logic to kick in.
Now he’s thinking logically, “Well, I can easily avoid all this if I just ghost her. Doing so will totally avoid all this bullshit that I don’t want to deal with right now.”
What counters his logic is his morals. We all know it’s a shitty thing to do. Ghosting someone is very selfish and disrespectful. The person you are about to ghost doesn’t deserve to be treated like trash. They deserve an explanation. It comes down to respect and morals:
Respect + Good Morals = No Ghosting
If respect or his morals are absent, he may be more likely to ghost
Why Did He Ghost You (Mirco Perspective)
I first want to say that you did not deserve to be ghosted and that it’s not your fault. It’s him 100%. He’s selfish and did not respect you enough that he is willing to hurt you just to make himself comfortable.
With that being said, I still want to break this down in two categories: things he has wrong with him that makes him ghost and things you may have done wrong that causes him to ghost. Again, it’s not your fault and you did nothing wrong. There is no excuse to ghosting. This is just a list from his perspective:
|What/Why He Did||What You May Have Done “Wrong” To Cause Him To Ghost (Not Your Fault)|
I wish I can give you more but in all honesty, the reason he ghosted is he never cared and is too selfish to tell you he wants nothing to do with you.
Women tend to get confused because they will say that a week earlier things were okay. Maybe to you they were but not to him.
I will let you in on a little secret with men:
Men will never do things just to do them. There is always a reason and that reason has been on his mind for some while. So while things were good last week, he was already questioning the relationship and what to do. He just didn’t act on it because he was trying to think clearly on what to do: Should I stay with her? Should I go? If I go, how? Is this just a stage? How do I go with the least amount of drama?
He’s not going to wake up one day, have second thoughts about you, and think, “Welp, second thoughts are coming around let me ghost her.”
Those second thoughts have been in his head for a bit now. From there, think of it as a virus, spreading through him killing the attraction. Once the attraction is low enough and he wants to leave, that’s when the whole moral compass with a dose of logic and respect come into play. To me, it’s not complicated but I can see where a woman is caught off guard. I can see where it would be hard to believe because you’re almost in some type of shock. Nothing hurts more than waking up and thinking everything is good to only text the guy and he vanishes
What Type Of Men Ghost?
Low Ego Men. That’s who. If you want to learn a lot about these men and how they become the way they are, check out this video:
Low Ego Men (LEM) are a common breed but good at fooling people. They’re wolves in sheep’s clothing. I don’t think they’re always that way on purpose. It’s like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. They have this monster inside them that only comes out in certain circumstances. In this case, it’s with women who want relationships. The weird thing is despite what a lot of people believe, these men are not always lurking around corners scanning for their next victim. Women think that because he’s a LEM, he can never like her. That’s not true. There are plenty of cases of men being players (that’s not LEM all the time though), only wanting sex (either is that), and using women for their own gains (that’s LEM) but there are cases where he likes you but is emotionally unavailable and instead of being an adult and wanting to talk it over like normal humans, he disengages and pulls away.
I tell my clients often that just because a man wants a relationship doesn’t mean he’s able to. Not all men have what it takes to have a successful relationship. Liking you isn’t enough. It involves sacrifice and a huge lifestyle change. Some men are too immature to do that.
I am just going to say that all men who ghost are horrible LEMs but not all LEM will ghost.
Can You Prevent These Men From Ghosting?
In my opinion, to an extent, you can’t. Just because there is potential to ghost doesn’t mean they will but I don’t think the weight should be put on your shoulders if a guy is going to ghost or not.
I don’t want to say there isn’t anything you can do but there is a reason I say it’s hard to prevent.
It’s not in your control.
While I am not a believer of, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” I am a betting man. I am willing to bet confidently that once someone has cheated (especially a man), he’s likely to do it again.
Here is why…
Cheating, like ghosting, is psychological. It takes a certain person with a certain mindset in a certain situation to cheat/ghost. If you were dating a cheater and caught him, you can sit him down all you want and cry showing him how much he hurt you. Most times men do feel like shit. He will tell you he’s not going to do it again and for the longest time, he may not. But if you TRULY think you changed that deep-rooted psychology that caused him to cheat (his low ego, insecurity, selfishness, and validation seeking behavior), you’re fooling yourself. It takes a long time, a lot of self-awareness, and self-improvement to fix those things. It’s no important that I ask my clients in the first 5 minutes of our sessions that if the guy has cheated or been cheated on in the past. If she answers yes, the context and advice I give changes dramatically. Remember what I said about the type of man who ghosts. It’s a low ego man. That one thing right there is the reason I make the big bucks doing what I do. Low ego men are the men who cheat, ghost, take advantage of my clients, they’re the f*** boys, players, and narcissist. Your guy may not seem like any of these things but that’s the thing. He’s supposed to put on a mask.
A lot of the time, people who ghost are not overall bad people. They can go to church, volunteer on the weekends, pick up shifts for friends at work, and care for their sick parents. Relationships are a whole other demon he has to battle. These men fear commitment. They may have good intentions with you in the beginning but once the context changes (as in it’s feeling a little more serious), they feel like their backs are against a corner and will do whatever they can to escape.
Let me give you a personal story. While I never ghosted these women, I do think this is relatable and will give you insight on how these men think. I use to go to a therapist for commitment issues. I don’t know where I got them but I didn’t like the idea of settling down with one person. I had the unrealistic fear of missing out. I feared that my TRUE soulmate was still out there and I wanted to explore women until I found her. During all this, I met some great women who I liked. Not once did the thought cross my mind, “Okay let me get what I want from these girls then leave them.” They would have thought that was my intentions though with how I acted. Things could be going well between us and as soon as I feel the pressure of a relationship, I had to stop her in her breaks and give this long drawn out explanation on how I liked her but wasn’t ready. I could never get both my feet in the water or through the door. There was a mental block there. My therapist said it had to do with my lack of exposure to healthy relationships in my life, to my father being a single bachelor, and everyone in my family (including friends and their families) getting divorced. My family was military and the divorce rate amongst military families is much higher than the civilian world.
What does this have to do with the ghosters? I think they feel the same way but go about it differently. They simply ghost due to being a low ego man. It’s not your job to change them.
I hope this guide has helped you understand the psychology of ghosting. I like making these more in-depth guides to help you understand male psychology. If you want more information or have questions, leave a comment below. If you want to maximize your value and hook men for good, check out my course Attraction Academy. I know for a fact that you will gain a lot of benefits from it.
Take care and love you, ladies!