You want him to take you seriously when a problem arises, especially if he’s the one causing the issues. I have a lot of clients who come to me after they try to pull away with an upset tone in their voice. They tell me they tried the techniques I am talking about, but they don’t work.
In this article, I am going to tell you why when YOU pull away, it never works. By the end, you’re going to get different results and start having him chase you.
No really. You are!
Let’s Start With The Main Reason
The first thing I teach in my course Attraction Academy is:
A healthy relationship starts with two healthy people.
A better way to put that is: it starts with the foundation.
You can’t just pull away and expect change. That’s why some people hit the mark, and some people miss it. They don’t know how to get the results they want. Why? Because they don’t measure things. They don’t do their detective work. They don’t ask the right questions in their head. I am going to contradict myself on this later, saying you shouldn’t worry about the results, and I agree with that. You will see why in a bit.
If you’re interested in my course to maximize attraction, check it out here!
Let me give you an example:
You two were talking for a while, and things are going great. Too well, actually. He eventually tells you he doesn’t want a relationship. You say you’re okay with that even though you’re not. You just want to buy a little more time and hook him. You two go about your days and weeks getting closer, bonding, meeting family, being consistent, hooking up, planning trips, and so on. All of a sudden, you see him start to act differently and pull away. You freak out and do it yourself. You two go a week without talking, and you’re wondering why he’s not coming back around. What gives?
Well, logic and a weak foundation are why:
- He freaked out that you two were moving towards a relationship despite both saying you don’t want one. He wants his space. Now you’re in a trap because if you go along with it, you’re being super convenient and he has no reason to commit because you’ll be there when he returns. On the other end, if you don’t give him space, he’s going to accuse you of suffocating him and run away!
- By you saying you’re okay with not having a relationship, you’re now in the FWB category. Because you’re in the FWB category, you’re going to be treated casual and now your value proposition
- Your honeymoon/puppy love stage was all during a time where you couldn’t go to the next level because he said he didn’t want to take it there. You signed a contract saying you’re stuck in the FWB category when you agreed to no relationship. You have to look at this as a negotiation.
I can go on for pages telling you every little thing you did wrong in this example. And for the ladies out there who are wondering why she said no to a relationship despite wanting one, that’s a widespread thing. Women think men are as emotionally based as them but men are more logical because they get choosy when they have to settle down and permanently give up their resources to a woman (time, energy, effort, money, etc).
What should have happened based on Parental Investment Theory is that YOU should have been the choosier one, and right when he said he didn’t want something serious, you should have walked.
Why Doesn’t He Commit If He Likes Her Though?
Well, that depends on what you mean by liking her. Liking you versus wanting a relationship are two completely different things. I can like you for your assets but not see you as a long-term partner. Men are most of the time only willing to settle down and permanently invest their resources in a woman if he sees her long-term.
Women get the wrong idea thinking men are going to commit in the above situation if they keep talking. Sure, if you’re the one for him, but if you’re not, no way!!!
Why would he? He’s single and getting the assets for free! No charge at all! It would be a liability to come forward and say, “Yes, I want a relationship” (unless you’re the right woman). Take me off the market” because, based on the situation you two are in, he can have his cake and eat it too. If he commits, what is he gaining? I can tell you what he is losing:
- Deleting his Tinder
- The other woman he is talking to
- Has to live the relationship lifestyle
- Has to talk, text, answer to someone
- And more
It’s a liability. The only way you make a man commit in these situations is if it has more of a defensive dating approach
Hopefully, you understand what I am getting at here. You need a strong foundation. From the beginning, you need to be flirty but mysterious. Make him invest. After six dates, talk about exclusivity. If he says no, you’re going to walk!
Speaking of walking, let me tell you why sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
You’re Outcome-Based And Reactionary
When I talk about outcome-based actions, women kind of get upset because they’re coming to me to get a result. I understand. You want the guy back. What they don’t understand though, is your negotiation power dramatically drops when you go in to negotiate with a VERY STRONG desire to have a specific result. This automatically gives the man more power.
On top of that, how are you really going to fix things when you start to ignore a guy to only want him back? See how that’s kind of weird and counter-productive? Seriously, say it out loud:
“I am going to ignore you to make you pay, but at the same time, I am just doing it intending to get you back.”
It’s like worrying about an exam even though the professor said there would be no exam.
A man is going to call your bluff on this stuff. You’re allowing him to do this. That’s like the professor in the above example saying:
“No, there isn’t going to be an exam, but you better study anyway, or I will give you one.”
But what if you didn’t give a shit about the outcome or the result? How much power does the guy actually have over you then? This is all easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean what I am saying is a fallacy.
Men have this high power over you because they don’t have a strong attachment to the outcome. If you cave and give them what they want, great! What a bonus!. If not, that’s okay, too, in his eyes. He comes to this mindset though because he knows on your end, you’re struggling to try to get a particular result and is at ease because you feel you NEED this result. That’s like going on a car lot saying you need this exact car and won’t leave without it. Well, as soon as you tell the salesman that, he knows he can bump up the price.
If you have freedom of outcome, you take a guy’s power away naturally. This is the power he uses to be hot and cold. These all layers too! First, he will be hot and cold. Then he will realize the more you take him back when he pulls away, the more he can do it. From there, he’s conditioned to do this because you have shown him no other reason to think otherwise.
The same thing goes for your reaction. I tell women the way you react, reveals your intentions and motives. A guy wouldn’t get jealous over a woman if he didn’t care about her assets, would he? By you reacting to him pulling away or pulling some bullshit, you give him power. That doesn’t mean not to stand up for what you believe or to lower your standards. That doesn’t mean to pick your battles. Just don’t be overly dramatic about it.
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You All Bark, No Bite
Another common mistake that a lot of women make is they don’t follow through. My clients will be on the phone with me saying,
“Elliot, I did that. I told him what you said, and it’s still happening.”
Do you want to know why it’s still happening?
Because you don’t follow through! You let him back in! You didn’t raise your value in any way whatsoever. If a guy is already doing wrong and he knows he’s doing wrong, you’re going to have to do more than just tell him. I am serious. It’s funny when women come to me blaming the guy for doing what they’re doing, but the women never created any consequences for his actions. You pulling away isn’t a consequence if you come right back at the first sign of him returning. It means you’re a puppy dog looking for its owner.
You’re like the parent who sits on the couch and yells at the kids to cut it out but never get up to punish them. Why would they stop? You’re not going to do anything about it. This man is going to test and push you.
If he does wrong and you pull away to only come back, how authentic was his consequence? Is it even a consequence? If this has been going several times, then congratulations! You just conditioned the guy not to respect your standards because you don’t also uphold them!
He May Not Have Acess To You But He Does Have This
Continuing off what I said above, you may punish him with pulling away, but if he knows he can have you if he comes back around (due to you liking him, being outcome dependent, etc.), he’s going to take his sweet time. I get asked a lot,
“When will a guy come back around? What is the average time.”
Ladies, just because a guy comes around doesn’t mean things changed. It’s not a good thing. The time is based on urgency. You can pull this stunt of not talking to him, but if it’s happened before and you took him back or if he knows he can come back around and have you whenever he likes, why rush it? Like I said already, you’re not going anywhere. \
His Attraction Levels When Pulling Away
Finally, I would say the reason he’s not taking you seriously is a lack of attraction. He just doesn’t care. Everyone has limited resources, and he’s not going to invest any emotional currency on wondering why you pulled away (or care) if he lacks attraction.
I hate asking this because the next question I get is something along the lines of how to rebuild attraction.
Again, once you think that, you lose because you’re outcome dependent. You care so much that you’re making this guy a priority when he’s only making you an option (not even that).
I hate going on this rant but I am going to touch on it a bit here:
80% of your relationship problems would be instantly eliminated if you upheld your standards, didn’t give a shit about what the guy thinks, do what you want because you want to do it, and be willing to walk away if he didn’t meet your standards.
If you’re wondering how much to put up with before walking away, I have a video here
A lot of the time women are in the position they’re in for the following reasons:
- They like the guy so much they fear to lose him, which in return lowers her standards to keep him around and then wonders why she’s in the situation she’s in.
- She likes him so much that she’s justifying his action instead of qualifying him.
- .Puts this guy on a pedestal for some reason even though he’s nothing special. There can be many reasons why a woman does this:
- Afraid of being alone
- insecurity/trying to fill a void
- Lack of quality options
- Doesn’t know when she will find another guy./doesn’t want to waste the X amount of months she’s been talking to him
- And more
Have some self-respect. You’re a high-value woman. Stop putting up with this crap! If you want a guy to take you seriously when you pull away, you need not to give a shit, do it for you and not for an outcome, and follow-through. Men usually come running back if they know it’s truly cut off.
Best of luck and love you all!