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Why Do Guys Tell You They Love You Then Ignore You?

Did a guy tell you he loved you then ignored you? You’re not alone.

As a dating coach, I get this situation a lot where a guy shows a lot of interest to pull away later on. It’s not fair to you. I know he’s not giving you any closure.
That is why in this article, I am going to go over why he told you he loved you, why he’s ignoring you, and did he mean it.

Why Do Guys Tell You They Love You And Then Ignore You?

While it’s confusing since his actions are not lining up with his words, it’s pretty simple:

When a guy tells you he loves you then ignores you, the seriousness of the words or the relationship will make a guy overthink and freak himself out. When a guy moves fast and then takes a huge step back, it’s usually a sign of an emotionally unavailable man.

Top Reasons Men Pull Away:

  • Never had intentions to date you to begin with (even if it seemed like it)
  • The context got too serious or it moved too fast
  • He’s emotionally unavailable

The biggest indicator on if him saying “I love you” was true or not is:

How is he treating you now? Is he treating you like he loves you? If not, is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life as him loving you?

I teach my clients the idea of consistency. Although, feelings and people can change, it’s a very clear sign to me that when a guy says he loves you and then ignores you, I am wiling to bet he doesn’t love you. You don’t ignore someone you love.

Women will counter my answer with:

“This situation is different. I can tell he loves me it’s just things are weird right now. If he didn’t love me then why does he come to see me all the time? Why does he check-in? Why does he spend his money on me?

Listen, you can give me all this “Why does he do this then” crap but you need to be fair to yourself and the argument. Why aren’t you countering it with:

  • Why does he ignore me then?
  • Why isn’t he giving me clear answers?
  • Why isn’t he just committing and trying to come up with a conclusion?
  • Why is he being distant?
  • Why isn’t he texting and contacting me as he use to?

My rule of thumb is: Concentrate on the present. If he’s treating you like shit now but two weeks ago he said he loved you, I am willing to bet he was in the moment and doesn’t actually love you.

I think the reason I am so hesitant on saying I believe him and it was genuine is the fact that:

  • if he truly loved you, he wouldn’t put himself in a position to lose you
  • You wouldn’t have any idea who I am or be watching my videos
  • He would actually commit and try to progress the relationship
  • YOU DON’T IGNORE SOMEONE YOU LOVE

It’s simple ladies: Love isn’t difficult. Finding it? Yes. Loving someone though? Not at all. It’s effortless. It’s not strenuous like it seems.

Why Did He Tell Me He Loved Me Then?

There can be MANY reasons why a guy tells you he loves you. A lot of you may believe that he was trying to get in your pants. While those guys exist, it’s not the main reason guys tell you they love you then ignore you. From my experience as a coach, it’s three things:

  • Context
  • Emotional stability
  • Being in the moment

Context

in my course, Attraction Academy, I define Context as:

Circumstances or things that layer over time in order to create a degree of seriousness in vibe or atmosphere of the relationship

an easier definition is that the things you all do (actions) and say (words) will build on each other to the point where it goes from feeling like something casual to something more serious.

Why is this important? Well,

  • Context changes over time therefore, so do his feelings if not careful
  • The pacing changes and can be controlled
  • What he does in the beginning doesn’t have a serious contextual vibe so he doesn’t freak out yet
  • Once the context is created, he could change

If you scroll back to the top of the article where I give the reasoning to why men tell you they love you and then ignore you, I explain that they get in their own heads and freak out. It’s easy to tell a woman all that stuff in the beginning but the phrase, “I love you” along with all the other things you two do (layers), builds up the context of a serious relationship. If he’s in his head and not ready for anything serious what is he going to do next? Yes! He’s going to ignore you.

If you want more on this topic (and I believe it’s probably the most overlooked topic when it comes to dating) check out my course below by clicking the image or here:

If there is anything you can master, it’s the idea of context and how it changes over time based on what you two do and say to each other. by mastering this, you can control the pace of things, where you want it to go, and if the guy is going to freak out or not. Controlling context enables you to keep guys from running away and the ability to make them invest heavily into you.

Emotional Stability

Guys who are trying to fill a void, are emotionally unavailable, or very insecure seem to move very fast with women. They move too fast and while it scares some of you, you still like the guy and justify his actions.

You shouldn’t do this though. It’s a huge red flag on his end.

Signs of an emotionally unavailable man include:

  • Men who come and go
  • Men who are indecisive
  • Men who use you for convenience
  • Men who love bomb you
  • Men who play mind games
  • Men who are more likely to ghost
  • Men Waste your time by buying time but never committing’
  • Men who gaslight and manipulate you
  • Men who use you for your assets but never commit
  • Men who move really fast then pull away
  • Men who have a pattern of doing all this to you

I like to use the analogy of a rubber band to explain how emotionally unavailable men act.

You can already stretch a rubber band so far. While it can stretch, holding stretch for too long isn’t sustainable. It has a lot of pent up energy and eventually, it can only stretch itself so far before either snapping, or retracting and going back to its original form.

These kind of men are no different. They will tell you all these sweet and nice things but if they’re emotionally unavailable, they’re saying it without taking into consideration the consequences. They are not thinking about the future or context they’re creating. Finally, when they’re at home in bed thinking and or the context is too serious, they freak out and retract (like a rubber band).

Being In The Moment

This still has a little to do with emotional unavailability but, I do think it deserves its own part.

When men are in the moment, they:

  • Get a spike in emotion
  • Don’t think about the consequences
  • Usually have a change of heart later on compared to what they felt in the moment

A lot of men are just in the moment creatures. They feel it then say it. Why? I have no idea. I catch myself in this situation sometimes and maybe it’s because we don’t put as much emphasis or importance on things as women do so we don’t think about it as clearly. That is not an excuse it’s just what I believe is happening.

If you take everything with a grain of salt, you should be okay. I think women put too much emphasis on things guys do because they like him or want the relationship badly.

Elliot

What's going on everybody? It's your favorite dating coach, Elliot Scott! I am a 32-year-old who loves to read, write, and play games. Yes, I have a life outside of giving advice :)

23 thoughts on “Why Do Guys Tell You They Love You Then Ignore You?

  1. Hey Elliot,

    I’m Kat (aka Lovecouponing). I think you’re 100% right in all you say! I would probably challenge some of your lovely lady viewers and even go so far as to say 8 to 10 dates is too long! Then again I train investigators for a living so having that profiling background means I need about one hour to figure someone out. That also doesn’t mean I didn’t wear love blinders myself and fumbled in love in life. Lessons learned, right? I also think you’re absolutely right in regards to when someone says I love you and then pulls away. That is not a king or a queen, that is a girl or a boy. Pulling away is selfish and hurts. When someone says I love you, then you want to start by believing, which means they’ll say it on the morning, afternoon and night. Love doesn’t pull away, love shows up consistently. 😁.

  2. This article is spot on. It’s because the man is emotionally unavailable. Emotional unavailability starts in childhood for most men. They were brought up on phrases like “big boys don’t cry” “don’t be a wuss” “stop acting like a girl” “you kick like a girl” this creates a detachment to emotions which is deep rooted. The majority of the pathways in our brains are created by the time the child is seven-years-old, by this time the little boy has heard adults use these phrases over and over in an attempt to make him ‘tough’. These men love as much as they possibly can but sadly the majority of them were damaged in childhood by what appeared to be ‘innocent’ phrases. Think twice before ever saying this to a child otherwise we will have another generation of emotionally unavailable men on our hands! Boys don’t need to be ‘tough’ they need to be emotionally resilient. Let them feel their emotions so self-control can grow. Sadly some parents of our generation didn’t understand that and now people like Elliot have to spell it out – these men are emotionally unavailable- until he is blue in the face. Without serious therapy these men are lost. Find a man that will straighten your hair for you and listens to Bright Eyes, he is in touch with his emotions 🤣🤣 Peace ✌️

  3. I’m pretty sure I’ve just fallen for an emotionally unavailable man. We started dating 5 months ago, and I though it’s early days for both of us from previous relationships, things seemed to move quite quickly. There was chemistry and I was flattered, but he told me he loved me when he’d had a few beers after 6 dates but I didn’t say it back and brushed it off as a flippant comment. Since then, I felt he was interested one minute but not the next, and every time I thought it wasn’t working, he’s suddenly come back loving and with gifts. Anyway, 2 weeks ago he started to go quite distant. He was still texting and showing up, but just not as affectionate towards me and I felt something was ‘off’ however, my dad also got diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks ago so I did wander off I’d been a bit emotionally overwhelmed. I asked a few times if he was ok, but he kept saying ‘it’s not you, I’m just a bit stressed’ then I had this awful gut feeling, and one day looked at his phone to see he’d text a woman on Instagram saying ‘he missed her’ and she text the same back. She is my Instagram friend so I messaged her, and she said they are just friends and she’s married… then suddenly I’m blocked! And the next day, he broke up with me my text saying it’s just not working, he tried to tell me to my face but couldn’t, and I’m a lovely girl who will find someone to love me 😞😥 I didn’t react badly, or hassle him, but I did reply and say that 2 weeks ago he loved me, what changed? And also asked him to delete a personal photo I’d sent him if he hadn’t already, and then all of sudden I’m blocked on all social channels and WhatsApp. I’m hurt, and confused but I see the red flags that I ignored now. I’m not worried about the photo, it was only underwear and not my face, but I’m still lost as to why he couldn’t just tell me he was going to block me 🤷🏻‍♀️

    1. I have a same scenario now, maybe his emotionally unavailable man. We instantly fall each other but I told him before our relationship start, that I’m not good to handle relationship, Because our past relationships failed, We agree whatever happens we need to resolve and to save our relationship. Sometimes we have miscommunication because of languange barrier and differences in culture and faith. But we settled and understand everything our differences. But earlier in mid Feb I’ve notice that his irritable and have a moodswings sometimes but I tolerate it even his jealousy and accusations that I never do, we resettled it. Then this few months ago I found out he chatted other girl but that was a last year, I was so miserably cried why he do that, I can’t talk to him and feel so bad questioning myself I’m not enough then 2 weeks after I ask him whos this girl he said it just friend. But I hurt badly, because his the one flirting to the girl even that was last year. Then we resettled and he tried to change picture in his social media account because he doesn’t want others know him because that was his private account. I ask him but he never tell me clearly why he need to change it. I know there was wrong to his behaviour I ask him why he changed he told me back I’m the one change and he said that his choking everytime I ask him and forbidden to do what he wants but I never do that. Then I still understand it. Then he wanted to have intimate for me but still I refuse it because I wanted to respect his family and my family too, we planned already after this 2 months we live together but things changed after my ex bombarded me of messages and notification. I only replied to him I have already boyfriend so please stop pestering me. When I shared it to my boyfriend, he got mad at me and giving me silent treatment until now he keeps ignoring my calls and chat. He only said he wants to be quiet and call and text me next time. Even I explained myself to him he still keep ignoring me. That’s why I’m hurting. I don’t know when he want to talk to me, I feel that if his still keeps ignoring me it means he found someone else. So it means our relationship ends?

  4. I should say, I didn’t tell him I’d looked at his phone because I didn’t get a chance too. He left abruptly that morning, and I was visiting my dad. I was planning to ask him about it calmly later, but I got dumped before then. I know that wasn’t right of me, but I just knew, the previous messages were deleted, and although she said it was just friendly, I’d told him that my ex used to have emotional affairs and it’s a betrayal in my eyes. I’m rambling a bit now, but just feeling a bit raw from it. Even though I know I’m better off out x

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  9. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. We have been making future plans and talking about marriage and he says he love’s me. We talked on Wednesday night and everything seemed fine but now we haven’t talked in 4 days and he won’t reply to my calls or texts. I feel so heart broken for trusting someone again. I though he was different.

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  12. Hiya

    Okay so I am going through a very similar thing atm and it is so bizarre to me. So background I have known this guy 6 weeks through a friend when I first met him there wasn’t anything about he’s personality or looks that drew me in (if anything so opposite to my type) but there was just this fire between us that I hadn’t felt for a long time and tbh he’s not very good news at all sells drugs bla bla so not relationship material at all! we were only being ‘casual’ so after about a week of messaging we met up and casually ya know 😉 spent 4 consecutive days together which btw he made a point of mentioning a few times that we had been together 4 days in a row! Then it seemed like hard work to get him to meet up with me a week and half later we finally meet up again at this point we had known each other a month both got drunk one night and had a heart to heart I told him about how I felt like he wasn’t really interested in meeting up etc and he admitted it’s been freaking him out and he eventually told me he loved me which of course I was a bit like really!? Because I honestly thought he had lost interest but I put it down to booze and I actually told him I was feeling the same way as I had started getting the feels too (I regret saying this to him now god damn my drunken state) anyway the next day we were together in the morning and he said it a couple more times when sober then low and behold he starts being distant, I asked him if he wanted to see me one day and I got a very weird response like ‘it’s the weekend so busy and all that jazz’ so I was like okayyyy. Anyway after about a week of this hot/cold I eventually nicely text him asking him what was going on as he’s a nightmare to get on the phone got a shitty response that I didn’t really react to as I still wanted the sleep with him (as that was the original plan!!) he said he meant everything he said even though I don’t believe him but now I’m just like what the actual hell? None of it makes sense and I’ve read your column and I still can’t work out what it is! I mean he’s deffo emotional unavailable hence why we were just sleeping together but now he hardly speaks to me and I just don’t get what the point was in saying that to me as it would have achieved nothing? Everything was fine until he dropped the L bomb and now it’s just like he don’t care. I do think he doesn’t really love me and has freaked himself out but I’ve given him plenty of chances to say this as I have been VERY if not TOO understanding with him. But what’s the deal do you think he’s just got bored of me and is a massive player? There’s so much more but I feel like I have gone on long enough haha

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